Finding Your Head

 

Camping is wonderful because it allows you to sit and be still. When you are full time and retired and alone, you do this a lot. For me, all the shit I have blocked out over my life has come to light. I see myself for who I am, not who I was pretending to be.

As I became an adult, working with adults and socializing with adults, I wore several masks. Spending 10 years in the military definitely caused me to lose sight of who I am. I've always known about my deficiencies and have spent a great deal of energy hiding it. No more.

I've been married twice and have 3 children. I never quite understood what my role was supposed to be as a husband. Always trying to fix problems, never comprehending that she just needed me to listen. I was always in the dark about what was going on.

I'm not real sure why I'm so terrified of other humans. It's probably because of the mean streak some people have toward me. Passive-aggressive behavior is the worse because sometimes it's hard to decipher. It's rampant in Church. I tried Church as an adult but it seems to be more on the aggressive side now. I want no part of that anymore. I still follow Jesus but Church seems to just be a way for some to make money off poor people. Women seem to like it fine. Men like for the Church to control their women. That's how I see it.

Facebook is a cesspool of people seeking others to tear down. It's a safe place to attack others. Such low lives. So sad. It's a cool idea but as time goes on, more people will leave. I thought maybe small groups would be safe. No, I was attacked there as well because I formed a sentence wrong and perverts construed it to be something different.

Even people who pretend to care about me lash out. I'm pretty good at sensing when someone doesn't like me. I always have had this "gift". When you are the 4th boy in a family where everyone seems to want to harm me, you learn this gift. Parents and siblings all lining up to take a shot at me. You learn to be silent and alone out of fear.

I'm an adult now and trying to clear that crap out of my head. All humans are potential predators. No more. I prefer to just be alone and interact with people one on one in real life. I assume others are wounded as well. I wish I had the strength to deal with it.